The Golden Rule Against Neurosis: Act with others in the way you want them to deal with you. It is the “Golden Rule” of morality, which is undoubtedly useful in the human community. It is undoubtedly useful also its negative form (“Do not do to others what you would not want yourself”), when it comes to command: do not kill, steal …
Neurosis is formed when others do what we do not get from them, hoping that we will still receive it with faithful service and hard work.”Love your neighbor as yourself.” However, many of us are sacrificed (unconsciously) by counting on the victim’s return, depriving themselves of the last resources.
Why to plow the field of a neighbor, when his own is not modeled? Of course, because of hope, that the neighbor will show his awareness, and instead of his field, he will deal with mine. What does it look like in life? Somebody expects symmetrical action in response to his efforts, somebody expects more gratitude, admiration, recognition. …
For example, a mother who never buys himself is superfluous, and often unnecessary, because she expects her husband and children to “behave well”. To justify her expectations and take care of her as a sign of gratitude for her victims. An employee who works overtime at the request of bosses, hoping to get a premium or raise … Why is such a complicated scheme? Why do not everyone take care of themselves first, and then about others?
As a rule, the mechanism of unconscious (once forbidden) feelings, needs and wishes is protected:
- Fear and shame not to be “selfish”. One may think that this is, at the very least, ugly and indecent, for the majority – dangerous. Because other people can condemn it because of “selfishness,” I can disgrace, expel, hurt him.
- Pride, self-esteem. – Perhaps there is a ban,to be proud of himself, to rejoice in his success and share this joy with others, “praise himself” and then he works. “I am good, only when I care about the other, only then I am worthy of praise, admiration And confessions. “
- The right to a gift. It seems more acceptable to get something from the other than to afford it to itself. True, everyone wants from time to time to feel under someone’s wing. Feel that they are not alone, that they are protected. If “get” is the only way to get protection, gift, attention, warmth, then we fall into the trap of profession.
Who is most often falling into this trap?
People with a high deficit of care: those who were little worried about childhood – children of addicts (as alcoholics, drug addicts, also workaholics). As well as depressed and traumatized parents. As a rule, children in such dysfunctional families take on the function of caring for adults and “adopting” their parents.
People with an overwhelming concern, children of conceited parents who have adopted this model from adults. Their profession often rests not only on the mechanism of imitation, but also on the feeling of guilt imposed by parents (“I gave you life, and you …”).
The shortest answer to “What to do with it?” In this case, it is: to raise your needs and, above all, to look after them, and then about the children (husband, mother, friend, etc.).
Better yet, first ask them if they need this concern.